I got this email months ago and it still cracks me up when I read it...

The Original Hollywood Squares
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to An n Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasi ons. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

I get so tired of being "the safe girl."

I'm not the hottie that everyone wants to date. I know that. I also know what I am. I'm the decent-looking girl that all the guys date until they can date the hottie. AKA "The Safe Girl."

It get so annoying knowing that 9 times out of 10, the guy dating me is only doing so because the Britney Spears look-alike or captain of the cheerleading squad hasn't paid attention to them yet. This gets me to wondering...why did I have to be the "safe girl?" Why couldn't I have the huge boobs and perfect complexion and tall legs? Why the hell did I have to come out 5'2" and the chest of a 12 year old boy?

Well, sorry about whining, but I guess that's what these blogs are for sometimes.

Hey...first new business - I have ALL of my senior portraits up at
http://unpretty.mypicgallery.com (yes, this means good quality and no copyright symbol!)

Next, some deep thoughts from our dear Jack Handey to get you through your day.

#271: I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.

#69: Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

#384: I don't think I can be hypnotized. This hypnotist tried to hypnotize me one time, but he couldn't. And I tell him that each time I go over to wash his car, which is every Wednesday.

#198: When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

#436: Maybe it's my imagination, but food seemed to taste better when I was a kid. Also, food would sing and dance and play musical instruments. But that could also have been my imagination.

#366: Normally I'm not one to believe in little green men from Mars. But one night, as I was driving home from a party, I caught something in my headlights I still can't explain. It had weird, catlike eyes and only stood about a foot tall. It was covered with grayish fur, and walked on all fours, like a cat. It had a tail, which if I had to describe in terms of something here on Earth was, in a way, like a cat's. Also, it was carrying a ray gun in its mouth. It was either a ray gun or a mouse.

#267: Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new one gets created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

#444: When I was a kid, I used to think you could jump off the roof of our house using an umbrella as a parachute. I thought my little brother could, anyway.

#141: When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend he is.

#164: I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.

#372: Probably one of the main problems with owning a robot is when you want him to go out in the snow to get the paper, he doesn't want to go because it's so cold, so you have to get out your whip and start whipping him, and the kids start crying, and oh why did I ever get this stupid robot?

Okay, I'm really cold and it's hard to type, so this will be slow.

Jason asked me out...asked me to make "us" official. He's a great guy, I'm just not interested in being serious with someone right now. And if I was, they'd have to be near perfect. Here's my "list" lol -

1. Brunette
2. Brown eyes...deep deep brown
3. Great singer
4. Plays the guitar
5. A little older than me
6. Sensitive (I know that's vague, but this is a "wish" list, meaning there is no such guy)
7. Loyal

Agh I'm sure there are more qualities, I just can't think of them right now.

Well Jason and I are still cool, but he doesn't come over as much, and he doesn't call me all the time anymore. I feel like I keep screwing things up with guys. Grr. Screw it all.



By the way, this banner is temporary.

Okay, so not everything sucks, but I'm on a whining rampage at the moment.

First off, I cannot associate with a guy without screwing something up somewhere. Matt and I aren't really even talking anymore because he's dating Miss Homecoming Queen - Cheerleader Captain - "I can't remember my last name." Ugh. So, what this teaches me is that I have to act like an airhead to get noticed. And then things with my friend Jas are going well. Oh yah, don't think I've written about him.
See, Jason is this really awesome guy who I've been hanging out with lately. He's spent the night at my house twice, but no, nothing's happened. That's where my problem is - he's attractive, and fun, but he likes me for more than a friend and I just don't want that. So now I have to turn him down which is going to screw up our friendship.

Next, I HATE CHRISTMAS!
The reason for the whole holiday is great, don't get me wrong, but I hate mistletoe and presents and all of these stupid couples...ugh! What is the big damn deal?

All right, I'm done ranting. On a good note though,

WE KICKED SADDAM'S ASS! HA! TAKE THAT!

I know I haven't written much lately...sorry guys! I just got back from a forensics tournament last night and I am WIPED! It's amazing how being at a high school for 17 hours and being on a bus for 4 more can make a person that tired. I did, however, make it to the final rounds in Duet Acting so I was in the top 6. I didn't make the top three though. I'll know exactly how I did on Monday when we get our ballots back from our coach.

Things with Matt are at a sort of stand-still. He's always really busy and I'm not too fond of that. He says that he really likes me, and his friends say that the way he talks about me is different than the way he's ever talked about a girl. I like the guy, but I want him to be able to have time for me.

A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies and other events. One day, a middle-aged woman called to inquire if they could kill her husband. She was sentenced to four and a half years.

---

Chicago police were trying to track down several people with outstanding arrest warrants when they though of a brilliant idea. They sent all the criminals free tickets to a Cubs game. When the people arrived, they were promptly arrested.

---

The police dept. had arrested a man for an unknown crime. During interrogation, one officer took a metal colander with two wires spiraling and taped to a copy machine, with a paper stating "he's lying" placed in the copy machine. The officers then began questioning the man, telling him the machine was a lie detector. Whenever the police thought he wasn't telling the truth, one would push the copy button. After a couple copies were made, the man admitted guilt to the crime.

---

An angry man walked into his local police station and threw a bag of cocaine on the counter. He told the desk sergeant that it was a substandard cut and demanded that dealer he bought it form be arrested.

---

Reference:
Dumb Criminal Acts

I found this on dumbcriminalacts.com

An elderly woman spent a leisurely day shopping at the mall. Upon return to her vehicle, she found four strange males sitting in her car. Frightened, the woman dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She told the men that if they did not get out of the car, she would shoot. The four men ran off quickly, whereupon the lady got into the car. Her key, however, would not fit. The woman realized that her car was the identical one parked a few spaces down. She drove to the police department and reported the story. The officer on duty laughed hysterically and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men had reported a hijacking by a mean old lady; no charges were filed.

ha, I have now fallen completely in lust with Chris from Dashboard Confessional...I can't decide if it's the looks, the lyrics, or a combination of both...hmmm...

---

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and let you in.
And you stood at the door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

I haven’t had time to write in a while, so let me get you started with one of my Thanksgiving speeches.

---

The “F” Word

In this case, there are three “f” words that stay dear to my heart right around this time of the year…

Food
Football and
Four-Day Weekend

We’ll start with “food.” I have two words for ya, folks – cherry pie. Yup, at Thanksgiving time, the turkey does not play out as number one in my heart, err uh, stomach. However you look at it. Anyway, took a trip to TEXAS this holiday with the whole family and that was definitely the thing I looked forward to.

Football – Arkansas got our ASS kicked. Hell, at least we tried, right? Anyway, I got to watch the Chargers game in the comfort of my own home today, which was definitely a plus considering that a) they’re my favorite team and b) there aren’t little children running around like wild animals anymore.

Four-Day Weekend – every high schooler’s dream…no school. Of course I have homework that, when I wrote this Sunday night, was still yet to be done, but when do I ever do my homework?

---

Why People Watch Shows like “Rich Girls”

My friend Allison and I took a trip to a basketball game that was thirty minutes away on Tuesday night, so naturally, it took us 2 hours to get there and find the gym. The upside to this is that we had a chance to talk about a lot of things that we normally don’t have the time for...like television. The Hilton sisters filmed a show in a town in Arkansas not too long ago (maybe we Arkansans have heard of it more than the rest of the U.S. has, but either way, I wouldn’t bother watching.) and then that led us to a more popular show – “Rich Girls.” I have to admit that I’ve stopped once or twice on this trendy new MTV series, but I’ve never been able to stand more than 5 minutes of it. Allison, on the other hand, had watched it a little more closely that I had. We came to a conclusion that the reason people watch shows like that is so we can make fun of the grossly rich people that our country hoards. Allison told me that one of the girls began a discussion on cargo pants (which her father invented…ooh ah). She said to her friends something along the lines of “I would take a pair of cargos and pair them with some stilettos and a cute top, but other people would, like, put their tools in it or something.” I would have hit her. So, is it just me, or did she just down all of the U.S.? Dumb girl.

---

The New Guy

I’m sure you all have me pictured as some sort of whore now, but just for your pleasure, I’m throwing another guy plot twist in the story. Here’s the update so far –
Cole and I have quit talking after we slept together. Whatever. I guess we both got what we wanted out of the deal. J and I have stopped talking all together, although I’m not quite sure why. He did try to call me on Saturday, but I missed his call and he didn’t leave a message or anything. Must not have been important. Tate and I are officially apart now. This is more of a recent development though…and now, I’m getting to know a guy named Matt. He is a very sweet guy, very attractive, very smart (he has a 31 on his ACT) and modest about it (he wasn’t the one who told me that). He’s extremely polite, I mean, there’s not a whole lot bad about him. He plays a lot of sports though and lives about 30 minutes away, so we don’t get to see a lot of each other, but he’s still a pretty cool guy. I’m not sure what’s going to happen there, but I’ll keep you posted!